The Misadventures of the Musicals
by Ignored Genius
Summary: A massive Crossover of Sweeney Todd, Phantom of the Opera and Les Miserables in which Sweeney and Nellie are in Paris on vacation when they unwillingly join a revolution. Full summerary inside. R&R NOW! T for mild lanague and one sexual reference enjoy
1. It Begins with lunch

God Help us, it's the ultimate Crossover…

Summary (As written by I.G): A very very AU story in which, Sweeney, Tobi, Mrs. Lovett, Erik, Christine, Gavroche, Enjolras and friends must deal with each other on a barricade. Slap fights, insulting nicknames, over use of said nicknames, concussion research, and drunken gun wielding children arise. A collaboration between Enjy-Glomper and Ignored Genius, thus said, we will be popping in and out of the story, merely explaining stuff or telling you general nonsense not unlike commercials that you've seen too many times, enjoy! Les Misérables, Phantom of the Opera and Sweeney Todd do not belong to either of us, try and sue us now, fat cats!!

I.G's Opening A/N: Good evening, madams and messieurs, I ask you to be kind about this atrocious fanfic, for I am only a humble aspiring (but also published) author, so I beg you be gentle in your reviews. Thank you very much, my lieblings, ((That's German for Darlings. Mon amours, ((That's French for my loves.)))

E.G's Opening A/N: Salut! W worked long and hard on this bit a fairly long time, so be gentle mes Amis! Also, after this, expect a sequel from me, Enjy-Glomper! This was brought to you by an endless box of Cheez-its and viewers like you, thank you. Kudos to I.G for thinking up the plot while I made it quirky, and generally more appealing, LONG LIVE E.G AND I.G!!

Both: **BRAMBLEFOX BRAMBLEFOX BRAMBLEFOX BRAMBLEFOX YAAAY! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR FIXING OUR STORY SO IT WENT FROM CRAP TO GOLD!!! -*tackleglomp*-** EVERYONE! NOTE!!! we are extremely sorry for the delay on the sequel but, note, it is not up yet, it will not be up until it is finished. So, I, I.G, will tell you when it comes up. Enjoy

**The Misadventures of the Musicals **

Sweeney Todd wasn't quite sure how he had ended up in Paris, France with his annoying neighbor and her even more annoying adoptive son. All he was quite sure of was that he wanted to get on the next ship back to London, for the judge could have come any day, and if he wasn't there he would lose him again. He sighed irritably from his seat across from Mrs. Lovett and Tobi at a dinky café; his fingers began to play with the silver handles of his beloved razors.

"What do you think Mr. T?" she asked plainly. Unfortunately for Sweeney, he hadn't listened to a word she had said since they sat down. She eyed him suspiciously. "You haven't been listening to me have you?" She seemed angry. Sweeney racked his brain for something to say that might pacify her but nothing came up, so he remained dutifully silent. She huffed and twirled her fork while Tobi looked steadily at his menu; as a poorly dressed young man with black hair walked by the table, Mrs. Lovett hailed him. "Sir, I think we're ready to order."

The young man looked hurt. "I don't work here. I'm not a waiter, I translate books, for God's sake!" he said sadly. Mrs. Lovett's gentle heart strings where pulled and she instantly pitied him. "Oh, I'm so sorry, dear, please, sit with us! You look starved to death!"

As he was about to protest she stood from her chair and shoved him into the seat between Tobi and Sweeney. "I'll have none of that! You're going to eat with us."

The young man looked dejected, "It's the clothes isn't it?" he said quietly, anxiously tugging at his cuffs beneath the tablecloth.

Mrs. Lovett looked at young man remorsefully, but, not wanting to tell him the truth, laid a hand gently on his shoulder and asked him, "What's your name, lad?"

"I'm sorry, that was rude of me, I'm Marius Pontmercy." She smiled. "I'm Mrs. Nellie Lovett, this is Tobias Ragg, Tobi for short, and this fine gentlemen is Mr. Sweeney Todd."

After a few minutes of pleasant conversation, and when the waiter finally arrived, they placed their orders. Mrs. Lovett had soup, Marius had bread and cheese, Tobi had oysters, and Sweeney had ice water. He sat there and listened half-heartedly to the conversation that drifted from fashion, to politics, fellows named "Enjolras" and his motley crew, and eventually back to Mrs. Lovett and him.

"So, M. Todd, how long have you known Madame?"

"Oh! Years, Marius, it's been years." Mrs. Lovett piped up,

"What year did you get married?" Sweeney, who at the moment was taking a drink of water, started to choke. He had not recovered fully but managed to yell, "MARRIED!?"

Marius nodded dumbly, "Yes, Tobi's your son isn't he?" Tobi, at that moment had been eating an oyster; he too, started to choke at the thought. The young man looked hurt as he watched the two cough. "I'm sorry, was it something I said?"

"Yes!" Tobi said hoarsely before gagging. Marius shrank and twiddled his thumbs. "I didn't mean to, honest, I was just curious, there's a girl in my life and I was hoping one of you could give me some advice on-"

"Ah, young lovers, so sweet, oh hang on a second, dearie." She got up and started clapping Tobi hard on the back. "C'mon, love, get it outta your system!"

"Here's some advice, dearie, leave a love note, it's fool proof! A poem, a teddy bear, or bouquet of roses, a box of chocolates, something romantic!" she continued dreamily, pointedly looking at Sweeney, who (pointedly) ignored her.

Marius looked at his plate. "I don't have enough money for anything like that. I can barely afford this lunch."

"Can you afford a pen and a sheet of paper?" The young man nodded. "Then write the love letter, that'll get her attention." He looked up and smiled. "That'll work for sure!"

Marius fished into his pocket and pulled out his last three francs. "Thank you for your advice, Madame Lovett." He nodded gratefully while getting out of his chair. "And to you too, Monsieur Todd, even though I almost killed you and Tobi." He gave a lopsided grin and tipped his hat. "Until we meet again." And he left.

Tobi watched him go and cleared his throat. "What a weirdo."

Mrs. Lovett smacked his shoulder lightly. "He's not a weirdo! He's in love!"

Sweeney looked up and said gruffly. "He's a weirdo, Mrs. Lovett."

The baker pouted slightly. "Come now, Mr. T, you remember your love don't you?" Sweeney stared ahead blankly, obviously back in his mind, plotting his revenge.


	2. Womanizers and Ghosts don't mix

--Somewhere else in the City Later that day--

**--Somewhere else in the City Later that day--**

"Erik, we've been wandering for hours! I'm not stupid; I know we're lost. Ask someone which way is the opera already!" a small blonde woman stated simply.

"I know where we're going! Quit naggin' me!" her companion, a tall figure clad in black from his _full_ mask to his shoes replied. The woman, who was undoubtedly Christine, was unfazed. "What is with men and asking for directions?"

"We don't need them, men have an impeccable sense of direction." he said smugly.

Christine gave him a pointed glare. "Then why are we lost?"

"We're not lost!" he repeated exasperatedly.

She looked at him expectantly. "Oh really?" She indicated to three –ahem- ladies standing on the street corner displaying themselves to passersby's; Erik's face drained of color under his mask. "We're lost." He admitted quietly. She smiled up at him in a playfully smug manner and quipped, "Told ya so."

They walked a few paces before a young man with curly black hair ran right into Erik, sending them both to the ground. Erik groaned as he shoved the young man off of him.

"Oh, my god!" the young man exclaimed. "I'm so sorry, Monsieur I didn't mean to, I'm just in a hurry to write my love a love letter and send it to her before her father finds out and releases the hounds (E.G: hmmm…)! I'm sorry!" he repeated too quickly, extending his hand to help Erik up.

Erik snarled and stood up on his own. "Well, be in a hurry on the other side of the street," he muttered, only to be elbowed in the stomach by Christine. "Erik!" she exclaimed. Where are your manners?"

"Five stories below the opera."

"Just accept the poor Monsieur's apology." Christine scolded harshly. Suddenly it struck her why he was in a hurry. "Ooh, you have a lady love! That's splendid." She smiled warmly up at him.

Erik, feeling sexually threatened by this young and good looking college boy, gently pulled Christine close to him. "It's okay, I guess I would be running too." Erik admitted quietly. In honesty, he would have gone running through hell for Christine. (IG & EG: Awww) The soprano couldn't suppress a flattered giggle.

Marius glanced between the two. "What's with all the couples!? Am I the only halfway single man in Paris?" he cried miserably. Erik and Christine looked at each other, unblinking.

"The hell are you talking about, boy?" the Phantom asked looking at him strangely. Marius ran a hand through his hair. "I just had lunch with a couple and they had a kid."

Christine blushed oh-so prettily and tittered, "Oh my!"

Marius nodded and said sadly, "I know, but as it turns out, they weren't married and he wasn't theirs. And even as I ran through here people are snuggling!"

Erik leaned down to look him in the eye. "There's a reason for that. This is the red light district, meaning you're just as lost as we are."

Marius shook his head. "I'm not lost. Men have an impeccable sense of direction."

Christine nudged Erik, "He said the same thing, and it's not true!" She paused a moment. "And f it is, you came here on purpose."

Marius blushed and looked appalled. "I don't live in the red light district!" Erik and Christine exchanged glances again. "Well here, walk with us, Monsieur--"

"Oh, sorry, Marius Pontmercy."

"Alright, Monsieur Pontmercy, we'll figure this maze out together," Christine said sweetly much to Erik's discomfort and unhappiness. "Come on, ye of magical manly navigational powers, lead the way," she added, swinging her arms in emphasis.

Marius, still blushing, glanced around. "Maybe we should just turn around?" he said, looking up at Erik who was a good head and a half taller then he was and glaring venomously, making Marius worry.

Marius came out of worrying quite quickly, for he saw one of his friends across the street. "Hey Courfeyrac!" Courfeyrac started slightly, not expecting his name, turned around.

"Marius! What are you doing here?"

"I got lost, and then crashed into this fine gentlemen and his lady-"

Courfeyrac's feet didn't touch the pavement as he came to Christine's side; he grinned foolishly, "So, what's your name?"

In the background, Marius made slashing gestures across his neck to Courfeyrac; the latter paid no attention to him for he was too busy flirting.

"So, you're a singer? Heh, I sing sometimes, too," he said, scooting closer to her. Marius slapped his palm to his forehead.

"Please, Courfeyrac, you couldn't carry a tune in a bucket," he muttered. Christine's eyes widened and she blushed as she backed up against Erik's chest, "I-I-I . . .. I'm taken!"

She hastily hugged Erik around the waist. "He's mine!"

Courfeyrac looked disappointed. "Oh, my mistake, gorgeous." Erik wished he could strangle the young womanizer, but his arms were trapped in a hug, to which he didn't know how to respond as no one had ever hugged him before.

Marius looked at Courfeyrac strangely. "You've been to this area, haven't you?"

Courfeyrac looked both embarrassed and proud. "All the time!" Erik and Christine blushed at his openness. "Young man, you have the strangest tastes in friends," Erik said flatly. Marius' friend laughed bluntly." And you, sir, have exquisite tastes in women!" he exclaimed heartily. Marius and Erik rolled their eyes.

"So, you know how to get out of this whore infested hell hole?" Erik inquired bitterly.

Courfeyrac nodded. " 'Course I do, but my services have a price," he said suggestively, making elevator eyes at Christine; she looked horrified and disgusted.

Erik reached into his cloak for his Punjab and bellowed, "I'll kill you!" He whipped his lasso and lunged at Courfeyrac. The student, in return, yelped and tore down the street, Erik at his heels.

Christine made a helpless gesture before grabbing Marius' shoulder and digging her nails in his arm. "He'll _really_ kill him! Go after them!" After giving him a hard shove Marius darted after them.

Christine shook her head, then daintily lifted up the hem of her dress and bustled after them.


	3. Blondie, Scruffy and Skinny are spawned

**-Back to Sweeney-**

For the past hour and a half, Sweeney had been sitting in a chair in a fleabag hotel room that they had rented, listening to Mrs. Lovett banter about this and that… well… he tried to listen and pay attention, but truth be told, he didn't care.

"So, Mrs. Moony came to me they other day and actually asked me what my secret was, you know, what makes the pies so tasty! So I told it was made of pigeons and rats, the diseased type," shechattered gleefully,

Sweeney nodded absently. "Good one."

Mrs. Lovett huffed, "You could be more enthusiastic. We're in Paris! City of Romance!" She threw her hands in the air for emphasis. Sweeney, who was actually listening, knew where this was going.

"I'm going to go out for a drink," He announced quietly.

"Bar's downstairs, dear."

"They don't have anything strong enough," he muttered, shrugging on his coat.

Mrs. Lovett called after him as he was opening the door, "Take Tobi with you though. If you're going to get drunk off your ass you better take someone to lead you back here. Tobi!" She called to the lad, "Go with Mr. Todd. We don't want him jumping into the channel and swimming back to London."

Tobi groaned inwardly; he didn't trust the barber, and his pacing kept him awake at night.

"Yes, Ma'am." He said unenthusiastically, following our favorite barber down the stairs.

"Don't stay out past Midnight or I'll come looking for ya." Mrs. Lovett called after them.

Sweeney said nothing, not while they walked, and not while they both drank heavily at a small shop called, "La Corinth."

_--_

"So I says to –hic- him, 'Enjolrash, your pretty when your angry, but you're still an ungrateful bastard,' and he hit me with this enormous red flag that came outta nowhere! The next thing I remember is waking up in the gutter, Combeferre told me later that Enjolrash had thrown me out himself, a great show of strength for a statue!" said the drunken fellow sitting next to a drunk Sweeney and Tobi.

"Whose –burp- Enjolrash?" Tobi asked, bleary eyed.

The drunkard brightened, "He's Apollo! You've heard of Apollo?" They shook their heads. "Haven't gone to school then have ya? No matter--Apollo, god of the sun, the only way to describe Enjolrash is to say he is made of stone and sunlight!" Grantaire tapped his chin, "I wonder if he plays the lyre…?"

"No, I don't," a firm voice said behind them.

Grantaire grinned foolishly. "Enjolrashhhh! Have a glass of wine with us, spirits are grand tonight!"

Enjolras rolled his eyes. "Get out, wine cask, and take your new friends with you!" he said irritably. Tobi looked up at the tall intimidating blonde man. "Why should we go? The gin is excellent!" He took a swig as Enjolras looked at Grantaire angrily. "You got the child drunk!? That's low even for you."

The drunk waved his hand dismissively. "They came by themselves, blame the father, it's his fault," he said, taking another sip from his glass.

Sweeney looked up over his bottle. "I'm not his bloody dad! Mrs. Lovett's his mama, blame her, she sent him with me!" he said, pushing his bottle away and sobered up.

"Ok then, let's see, do you remember your names?"

"Sweeney Todd, barber from London."

"Tobias Ragg!" Tobi said, offering his hand too enthusiastically to the blonde student.

"Nice to meet you, Enjolrash."

Sweeney stood from his chair. "We'd best be going, anyway," he said gruffly, taking hold of Tobi's shirtsleeve. As he dragged him out the door, Tobi tipped his hat. "Pip-pip cheerio good lads!" he slurred.

Sweeney looked down at him. "How much did you drink!?" Tobi gave him a lopsided grin and held up seven fingers before falling forward on Sweeney's legs, out-cold.

"Ah, crap. Wake up kid, I'm a meat pie if I take you back unconscious!" Sweeney muttered, shaking the boy by his shoulders.

Enjolras stood over them, holding a forever-scornful gaze at our dear barber. "Some father you are."

Sweeney reached up, grabbed Enjolras by his collar, and yanked him down to his level. "I'm not his father, I'm not related to him in any way, shape, or form."

Enjolras slapped Sweeney's hand off of himself. "Okay then."

Sweeney scooped Tobi up. "I'll just tell her that he fell asleep watching me drink," he muttered to himself. As he headed for the door Courfeyrac burst through said door and rushed past him. Sweeney watched the student run and cower behind Enjolras as Erik (who was still chasing Courfeyrac) barreled in. The Phantom crashed into Sweeney; Tobi went flying into Enjolras, who nearly tripped over Courfeyrac whilst catching Tobi.

Marius came jogging in shortly after Erik. "Courfeyrac! Thank god that you're still living!"

Erik growled as Sweeney shoved him off. "Sir, watch where you're going next time!" the barber said angrily, dusting off his pants; he glanced at his empty arms in alarm. "Holy crap, where'd the kid go!?"

A pretty blonde woman hurried in. "Erik! Don't kill him! He's just nasty and uneducated!" She said urgently.

Enjolras turned to Courfeyrac, Tobi still dozing in his arms. "What did you…? Never mind, I don't think I want to know," he said, shaking his head disappointedly.

Courfeyrac took one look at Enjolras and laughed, "You're a fine one to point the finger when you actually have a kid!"

"What!?" Enjolras nearly dropped said kid. "He's not mine! He's his! And you know it!" He gestured to Sweeney, who was now arguing with Erik about who was at fault for the recent crash was.

"Monsieur, take your child, he's drooling down my shirt." Sweeney sent a withering glance towards Enjolras. "Now I really wanna take him back," he grumbled darkly and went back his arguing with Erik.

Combeferre popped his head in. "Enjolras, I need to talk to you abo- I didn't know you had a sister . . . Or a child…?" He pointed at Tobi and Christine; the latter was standing next to Enjolras at the time, waiting for Erik and Sweeney to stop arguing.

Gavroche poked his head in too. "Enjolras has a kid? This I gotta see this!" he exclaimed, rushing past Combeferre. Enjolras would have face palmed if he had a free hand. "I don't have a sister! I don't know who she is!"

"But I do! You're Mlle. Daae! The opera singer! I'm friends with an actor; he gave me tickets to see you sing one time! You're amazing." Gavroche said with adoration.

Combeferre nodded knowingly. "I remember, when you replaced that shrill and tone-deaf La Carlotta you got a standing ovation," the doctor said happily.

Christine was flattered. "Well, thank you gentlemen," she smiled and warmly shook both of their hands. Gavroche tipped his scruffy hat, and turned to Marius. "Who are those two?" he inquired, pointing at Sweeney and Erik. "Friends of yours?"

Marius looked confused a moment before recognizing the barber. "Oh, M. Todd! I didn't think that was you, you didn't look half as scruffy at lunch," he said innocently.

Sweeney whipped around to look at him. "I'm not scruffy."

Erik laughed, "Like hell you aren't!"

The room burst into argument as Combeferre, Gavroche, and Christine all watched with bemusement. Courfeyrac took advantage of the chaos to slip out. 

"C'mon, it's not worth arguing over!"

"Stay out of it, Blondie!" Sweeney warned, brandishing his razor.

"Don't call me Blondie, you British twit!"

"Then don't belittle my people, Blondie!" (E.G and I.G: -rofl-)

"Stop yelling at Blondie, Scruffy!" Marius joined in.

"You stay out of it too, curly top!" Erik shot back.

"Curly Top!?"

"Shut it, skinny!"

"Ah, that's it, Scruffy! You're going down!" Erik cried launching at Sweeney.

Enjolras swore.

"Combeferre, hold this, please!" he said, all but tossing poor Tobi to him before leaping into the scuffle.

Christine sighed and said to the three who weren't fighting. "Cover your ears and the little one's ears, too." She took a deep breath and released a high note, several octaves above soprano C.

Erik, who had a lasso around Enjolras' neck and his hand wrapped around Sweeney's, Enjolras had two pistols pointed at Erik and Sweeney's heads and was about to pull the triggers, Sweeney had a razor at each of their throats while Marius tried to pull them apart; they dropped everything and covered their ears. Even Tobi woke up, after being thrown several times, this obnoxious note brought him out of his drunken stupor; he promptly covered his ears also.

_._

Erik had a lasso around Enjolras' neck and his hand wrapped around Sweeney's; Enjolras had two pistols pointed at Erik and Sweeney's heads and was about to pull the triggers; Sweeney had a razor to both Erik and Enjolras' throats, and Marius was trying frantically to pull them apart. As Christine hit the note they dropped everything and covered their ears. Even Tobi woke up; although being thrown several times had failed to awake him this obnoxious note brought him out of his drunken stupor and he promptly covered his ears as well.

Christine stopped her mind piercingly high note, recoiling back and standing straight in pride. "I think I broke the fourth wall, how'd I do, Erik?" she asked, wanting the approval of her teacher. The five men and two boys unplugged their ears and stared at her wide-eyed.

"V-very good, Christine, you've successfully broken the sound barrier."

She pouted faintly. "Will you your stop fighting, and throwing children?" Skinny, Scruffy, Curly Top and Blondie all nodded dumbly. She smiled dazzlingly. "Good!"

Sweeney quickly retrieved his fallen razors from the floor and put them in their holster. Erik made a move towards Enjolras to recover his lasso but Enjolras quickly pulled his pistol out, aimed it, and said angrily, "Make another move and I'll blow your brains out."

"Relax, Blondie, I just want my Punjab back."

"Stop calling me Blondie!!" he spat angrily. Without taking his eyes off of Erik, he soundlessly reached into his pocket, pulled out a knife, and sliced through the noose, rendering it useless. Tossing it carelessly to the Phantom, he added as an after thought,

"You can tie another one later! But as for now, **_get the hell off this barricade_**!"

Combeferre stepped up sensibly. "They can't leave, Enjolras, the streets have been blocked off."

Enjolras swore. "What do you mean they can't leave!? Isn't there someway to get rid of them!?"


	4. Of which worse nicknames arise

Combeferre shook his head, "Enjolras, don't swear in front of the children and a lady

Combeferre shook his head, "Enjolras, don't swear in front of the children and a lady."

Tobi made a dismissive gesture. "Ah, I've heard worse." Gavroche piped up, "I've said worse!" At that moment they took notice of each other.

"Oi, who are you?"

"Gavroche, and you?"

"Tobias Ragg. Just call me Tobi." They began conversing amiably.

Christine was confused. "A barricade?"

Erik had a reality pop. "Oh dear God, no."

"What? What's wrong?"

Erik exploded, "Numb Nuts and Bright Eyes decided to start another revolution!!"

Enjolras and Combeferre looked angry. "Hey!"

"You said not to call you 'Blondie!'" Gavroche and Tobi chuckled softly and started whispering as Enjolras' ears turned pink. "Shut up," Combeferre grumbled and self-consciously adjusted his glasses.

"You missed it, Tobi, it was the fight of the millennium! Skinny had Scruffy in a chokehold and Blondie in a noose! It was great!"

"Really!? Wow, I've gotta stay off the gin so I can stay awake for those sorta things," he said tapping his chin thoughtfully. They continued chatting as all three men's ears turned pink.

"But why? Why would you start another revolution!?" Christine implored urgently.

"Have you been in the streets lately?" Enjolras said passionately.

"No, I live at the opera."

"They were lined with the bodies of the poor who couldn't last the winter because they

had no bread." Christine looked at her shoes. "That's very tragic."

"That's why we're here."

"Erik, we've gotta help them!"

Erik swiveled on Enjolras glaring daggers. "Good God, boy! You made her a republican!"

"That's a bad thing?"

"Yes! Nothing ever good came from politics! And besides, she doesn't know anything about fighting! She's an opera singer, she can't stay, she's too talented, too loved, too needed and she's . . . _fragile_," he added almost shyly.

Enjolras glanced between the two. "So, you're her father?"

Erik looked slightly hurt. "I'm not that old. I don't think…" he added.

"But she's sixteen, or seventeen…?"

"I'm Twenty-two! And you don't look a day past 15!" Christine stomped her foot. Erik looked dejectedly at the floor and Enjolras slapped a hand to his forehead. "I'm not fifteen!"

Sweeney turned to look at Tobi and Gavroche, whose conversation had drifted to their respected mother countries. "And what of Tobi? He's a kid, and I can't leave without him."

Enjolras looked at him stonily. "Take him then, you're not needed around anyway, mercenaries are never as loyal as natural born soldiers," he said, waving him away.

"Yes, but you neglected the fact that we're TRAPPED!" The barber shook Enjolras by his shoulders.

"Then apparently you'll die with us," Enjolras said calmly, shoving Sweeney away.

"I'm British! I don't care what goes on in France! Why should I die for a country I don't even live in?!"

"You got yourself into this."

"Did not! I came here to drink fifteen years of jail time out of my memory and get away from my creepy stalker neighbor!" He then had a reality pop. "But if Tobi's still here past midnight, she'll come looking for him and get thrown in jail!" He stepped up and patted Enjolras on the shoulder, the same one he had been shaking just moments before.

"Thank you," he said almost brightly. Enjolras blinked and stared at him oddly.

"You heard him, Enjolras, creepy stalker neighbor. I know what that's like, but I suppose his is worse," Marius said, good-naturedly.

"So will you fight? Or what?" the blonde asked Sweeney, holding a carbine out to him.

Sweeney took the gun and loaded it, "I've got no choice."

"Don't even think about shooting us in the back, you won't live five seconds afterwards. And what about you two?" He gestured to Erik and Christine. "There are other women here, you could help make bandages with them."

Erik put both his hand protectively on Christine's shoulders. "We're leaving, come on Christine."

Christine stubbornly dug her heels into the ground. "But they need our help! Your skills will be handy for sure!" she said cheerfully,

"Skills?" Enjolras said curiously.

"There's nothing he can't do! He makes trapdoors appear out of nowhere!" she said in admiration.

"I see."


	5. Poor Thing, Poor Thing

Feuilly burst in, ran to Enjolras, and viciously shook him by the collar

Feuilly burst in, ran to Enjolras, and viciously shook him by the collar. "They're coming! They're advancing quickly!"

"Then get out there! I'll be out in a second." Enjolras dashed across the room and took two carbines that were leaning against the wall. As he tossed one to Erik he shouted, "You two men come with me! Miss, go in the back room, they'll show you how to make bandages. Boys, join them in the back."

"I don't wanna do a lady's job!"

"That's too damn bad, I don't have time to argue!" he said while shoving Erik and Sweeney out the door.

Tobi looked at Gavroche expectantly. "We're not staying in here are we?"

"Ah, you learn quickly, c'mon!" he said whilst tugging Tobi out the door.

Christine went after them and caught both of them by the ear. "Boys no! Come with me, we're going to learn how to make bandages," she said, tugging them back into

the café. They groaned but obeyed.

Outside

"Quick, men! Don't let them through!" Enjolras barked. Erik held his gun awkwardly.

"What I wouldn't do for my lasso!" he muttered while taking aim.

Sweeney also took aim, firing and hitting a man in the throat. He shot two men in quick succession and had to admit, guns were much faster then razors and a lot cleaner.

Erik took his gun and clubbed a nearby nation guardsman. "I hate this country," he muttered inaudibly as Sweeney slit the man's throat.

"You seem too good at that, barber."

"I could say the same to you."

There was a loud crash and many gasps.

"Get back! Or I'll blow up the barricade!" Marius cried as he leapt atop a table wielding a powder keg and torch. Sweeney and Erik immediately stopped their onslaught. "What in God's name are you doing!?" they cried, reaching to grab him down.

Marius held the torch closer. "Hey, everyone back up! I'm not kidding! Shoot me, this torch falls on this keg, and we've all got a one way ticket to hell!" he yelled, waving said torch and keg threateningly.

The soldiers' jaw dropped. "But you'll be blown up yourself!" one said. "Like I don't already know!" he scoffed. The National Guards retreatedbackover the barricade.

Enjolras approached Sweeney and Erik angrily. "You idiots! Do you realize what you just did?"

They looked at each other. "We followed your orders," Erik said slowly.

"No you didn't! I didn't tell you to be the butchers of the barricade! What you just did was absolute carnage!" he yelled, running a hand through his hair. "And look at yourselves! You're coated in blood--they're going to be mercilessly vicious now!" He face palmed in aggravation. "We're judges, not assassins."

Sweeney stiffened. "Same difference, condemned to death everyway you look at it," he muttered brusquely, crossing his arms.

"Listen kid, you've got a lot to learn about war and fighting, kill or be killed," Erik said, crossing his arms as well.

Enjolras glanced between them. "You two are madmen," he said calmly; they remained silent.

Laigle came jogging up to Enjolras. "Jehan's gone! We've looked everywhere!" he said anxiously. The revolutionary cast a disgusted glare at Erik and Sweeney before looking at Laigle. "You're sure?"

"Yes!" Enjolras thought hard a minute, then turned back to his unlucky friend. "He's a

prisoner then."

I.G: I know it didn't happen like this but because I've thrown more independent variables into the mix, much like a scientific experiment, the results will be different.


	6. Problem Solved

Erik had an idea

Erik had an idea. "Say, kiddo."

Enjolras sighed and looked at them, frustrated. "Yes?" he hissed.

"What would you say if I could get your friend back?"

"I'd say you were crazier then I first thought you were."

"Well I can. _We_ can." He said, gesturing to Sweeney, who was staring at his shoes.

"We can what?" Sweeney asked cautiously.

"How? How are you going to bring him back without being shot?" Enjolras asked disdainfully.

Erik smirked unseen under the mask. "Maybe you haven't heard, I can make trapdoors appear out of nowhere," he said and handed Enjolras his knife back; he had been holding onto it for several minutes. "Though I should probably have kept that for cutting my lasso."

Enjolras looked at his knife then at Erik. "Then be quick about it! And bring him back _alive_!" he said sternly, putting his knife away. He turned and walked away as Erik turned to Sweeney, brandishing Enjolras' knife again. "This time I am keeping it," the masked man grinned.

Erik led Sweeney back to the ally near the wine shop, showing him the grate that led into the sewers that ran through the city. After removing the heavy iron cover he climbed in, followed shortly by Sweeney. Both landed knee deep in Parisian waste.

"And your plan is…?" Sweeney asked, disgusted.

"Did you see where the 'Jehan' was standing?" The barber shook his head.

"Well, he was standing atop of a sewer grate like the one we just climbed through. When I release the latch and the grate swings open out from under him, I need you there to catch him when he falls through."

"They'll see us. And what's going to stop them from going after us, anyway?"

Erik rolled his eyes and produced a small vial, "This is going to make a smoke screen, and I'm going use this"--he produced a second small vial--"to melt the latch shut. Satisfied?" The barber nodded as they stopped under the captive poet.

Sweeney positioned himself directly beneath the lad as Erik released his smoke screen.

"The hell is that?"

"It's a curse! Run for you lives!"

"It's not a curse you half wit! The sewers are toxic, that's all, no surprise with all the shit

we've been dumping down there."

Erik unlatched the grate and Prouvaire was a victim of gravity as he fell, mid-speech, into Sweeney's arms.

"And most of all I loved my- AHHH!" Jehan cried as he fell.

"Quiet!" Erik hissed.

"Your blonde friend sent us to save you." Sweeney said, flinging Jehan over his shoulder and walking away from the grate. Erik splashed his vial on the latch and ran to catch up.

"OHMYGOD WHERE'D THE PRISONER GO!?"

"He disappeared!"

"It's a curse of past soldiers! They've claimed his soul!" Erik and Sweeney snickered to themselves as the guard's voices echoed down the tunnel.

They walked for a bit before they stood Jehan up. Sweeney whipped out a razor, commanding gruffly, "Hold still," and slicing through the ropes that bound the boy's arms.

"Thank you!" Jehan said cheerfully pulling the blindfold off. Upon catching sight of the blood covered, masked man and bloodier, pale, and demonic man, he promptly fainted. Erik and Sweeney both caught a shoulder before the poet could fall into Parisian sludge.

"You're welcome."


	7. Baker on the Barricade

MEANWHILE

**MEANWHILE**

Enjolras perched himself atop the barricade, not taking his eyes off the soldiers and Jean Prouvaire.

Combeferre, noticing his intent concentration, approached him, "What are you watching for?"

"A miracle, apparently."

"Miracles happen every now and again, maybe we'll get lucky," Combeferre said, cleaning his glasses on his hankie.

"Hang on, Combeferre, look at this," Enjolras said, yanking Combeferre next to him and pointed to the small amount of smoke that was steadily getting bigger and rising around Prouvaire. The poet, oblivious, went on with his speech. "Most of all I loved my--" In mid-speech he disappeared in the cloud of smoke.

Combeferre squinted and looked at Enjolras, "Is he dead?"

"There weren't any gun shots." National Guardsmen called out in confusion, looking at each other and over the barricade.

Enjolras leaned back and smirked. "I'll be damned. They did it." He clapped Combeferre on the shoulder and leapt down off the barricade into the alleyway. "Watch everything for a minute would ya?"

"Who did what, what are you talking about!?"

Enjolras hurried into the alley and removed the grate, pulling Jehan out first, and carrying him to Joly's station to make sure he wasn't hurt. Erik and Sweeney helped themselves out of the sewer and were disgusted at the slime that clung to their pants and shoes.

"Of all the damned wine shops in all the damned cities in this damned world I chose this one," Sweeney muttered to himself, leaning against the wall.

Erik looked just as unhappy. "On top of risking out own necks, we're risking our loved and not so loved one's necks."

As they began their brooding, Enjolras and half the barricade surrounded them. "I don't know how you did it, but by God, You did it!" The Amis congratulated heartily as the murderers ignored them. "That was genius!" "How did you do it?" "You saved Prouvaire!" etc. rang around them until…

"OUTTA MAH WAY!! I SAID MOVE IT, YA GREAT FRENCH BASTARDS!" a woman's voice roared from the other side of the barricade.

"Miss, you can't go in, this is a _barricade_ it's off--"

There was a loud 'smack' and several gasps. The barricade boys that had been surrounding the barber and ghost now crowded to the barricade to get a peek at this fearless lady.

"TODDDDDD!! I'll have your HEAD for keeping my boy out all night!" Tobi perked up and went to Sweeney's side. "It's Mrs. Lovett, Mr. T!"

Sweeney's eyes widened. "Oh…damn," he swore, cringing at each word Mrs. Lovett screamed as she climbed over the republic's barricade. Enjolras tried to stop her with, "Madame, what are you--" She swung her rolling pin, hitting him in the jaw and sending him backwards over the barricade. "Move it, Blondie!"

Courfeyrac laid a hand on Combeferre's shoulder as the latter made a move to stop her. "Don't bother, doc, she's a mother on a mission," he chuckled softly.

Erik looked at Sweeney. "Your wife?"

"Neighbor."

"Your kid?"

"Neighbor's kid," he said miserably. "Say, Tobi, why don't you go tell Mrs. Lovett that I'm not here and that I drowned trying to swim back to London, eh?"

Tobi pointed over Sweeney's shoulder, "Too late, she's seen you." Sweeney didn't turn. "Does she have her rolling pin?" he whispered.

Tobi nodded dumbly. "You're a dead man, Mr. T."

Sweeney gulped. "Do I have time to go over the barricade and get sh-"

Mrs. Lovett cracked her rolling pin in her hand, cutting him off. She roughly grabbed Sweeney by the shoulder, spun him around to face her, and grabbed his neck. "You're a meat pie for this, you hear me?!" she shrieked whilst raised her rolling pin (I.G: Swing your weapon high, Nellie raise it to the light! E.G: -slaps her- keep typing.)

"Ma'am, everyone in Paris can hear you," Tobi said, slowly backing up.

Erik bit back a laugh, "So –snicker- you're Mrs. Lovett?" he choked, biting his lip to keep from going into hysterics.

"Yes, dear, I am." She looked sweetly at him, then turned her angry face back to Sweeney. "DO YOU KNOW HOW WORRIED I WAS!? ESPECIALLY WITH TALK OF REVOLUTION!? AND YOU JOINED ONE! WITH **MY BOY**!! WHAT IN GOD'S NAME WERE YOU THINKING!?"

Sweeney said nothing and stared at the pavement for a moment. "We didn't join the barricade, per say-"

"Then why are you still here!?"

"Because we can't all just break through enemy lines with a rolling pin! The streets are blocked off if you hadn't noticed," he said sarcastically. She smacked him in the face with her rolling pin.

"Don't you be sarcastic with me!"

Enjolras approached them with an attempt at peace making. "Madame-!" Mrs. Lovett swung at him again; he ducked skillfully and caught her arm the next swing. "Madame! Calm down, I more or less made him stay."

"You did what!?" She pounced on him. "You're gonna kill 'em both! Have you no consideration for a widow's feelings!?"

"Ma'am, it's no one's fault, we were drunk off our asses--well, I was, while they built the barricade--and there was no way to get out. Please, get off him," Tobi said, taking on his most pitiful look.

Mrs. Lovett was sitting on Enjolras' chest--he had both her fists but she dropped the rolling pin on his face. "Ah, lad, there is always someone to blame! I blame Blondie, and you"--she glared at Sweeney--"you especially."

Enjolras quickly pushed her off and stood, still holding onto her wrists. "Madame, you've got to--oof!" (Mrs. Lovett) kicked him in the stomach. Erik and Sweeney, who were sitting on the windowsill, both crossed their legs at sensing she was aiming lower. "I missed--"she seemed disappointed--"but I'll bite, what?"

"Get out. Take your kid and your kid's new friend and go!" (Enjolras) said, clutching his midsection. "You can take those two butchers if you want. We don't want them."

"Hey! We just saved your stupid friend!" Erik defended.

"I greatly appreciate it, but you're madmen and butchers!"

"I'm not crazy!" they said in unison.

"Prove it!"

"What's going on?" Christine's worried voice said as she drifted into the alleyway.

Gavroche, who had been standing by watching with amusement, stepped up. "You see, Mamzelle, Red burst through enemy lines, beat Blondie off the barricade with her rolling pin, hit Scruffy with it too, started arguing with the three of them, then got in a fist fight with Blondie, of which he lost, and now Blondie wants Red, Skinny, Tobsie and Scruffy off the barricade because he thinks they're butchers and madmen." Gavroche explained simply.

"What did you do, Erik?"

"He told us to fight! And we did."

"I didn't tell you to be merciless assassins!" Enjolras interrupted. "One of you is British and the other one hates this country! You're both useless here!"

"Am not! I saved your damned 'Jehan', Blondo!" Erik continued.

"Why do you want to stay? I thought you wanted to leave! And enough with the blonde jokes!"

"That's when I thought my neighbor would be arrested," Sweeney muttered in frustration.

"Ugh! Men!" Mrs. Lovett said, throwing her hands in the air. Christine rolled her eyes and muttered, "Tell me about it!"

The two women regarded each other thoughtfully. "You're a couple then," Mrs. Lovett stated, smiling slightly. Christine looked dreamily up at Erik and admitted, "In a way."

"Little miss, you look like someone I used to know, I can't quite remember who though." Mrs. Lovett thought aloud. Sweeney looked at her as well, but didn't say a thing.

"Oh, I seem to have that face, I guess," Christine said modestly.

"Mr. Todd, Blondie, Skinny, we'll be in the backroom, making bandages," Mrs. Lovett said, chatting amiably with Christine all the way.


	8. In which Sweeney is brained

Erik, Enjolras, Sweeney, Tobi and Gavroche all just stared at each other for a moment

Erik, Enjolras, Sweeney, Tobi and Gavroche all just stared at each other for a moment.

"Fighting each other isn't going to help anyone," Sweeney said reasonably.

"A house divided against itself cannot stand." Erik agreed.

Just then rapid gunfire erupted. "Take cover!" Enjolras shouted. "Everyone on your knees along the barricade!" He turned to Sweeney and Erik. "You too, you might be killers but we need every man we have! And boys into the wine shop, NOW!" he ordered, grabbing his carbine and running towards the barricade.

"He knows how to run a tight ship," Erik commented to no one in particular. Sweeney nodded and reached for his razor; Gavroche shook his head. "You just don't learn, do you?"

Sweeney stopped. "What do you mean?"

"You slit one more throat and Enjolras will kill you himself!"

"Should I be honored?" he asked dully.

"You should be scared," Tobi added. He pulled Gavroche into the wine shop, and whispered in the gamin's ear, "Come on, I saw some pistols lying around inside."

Sweeney took a nearby carbine and headed with Erik to the fight. "From one 'madman' to the next, I can't handle a gun worth bull crap," he admitted, awkwardly aiming and firing.

"From a murderer to another, I can't either." Erik agreed.

"M. Todd! Look out!!" Marius cried from behind. Sweeney turned just in time to see the butt of a musket slam into his temple, knocking him backwards as Marius fired his pistol into the man's back.

"Dammit, barber!" Erik swore, as Sweeney slumped against him.

Mrs. Lovett vaguely heard 'Dammit barber'; she and Christine had stopped talking and were hard at work making bandages inside the café. "Hold on, loves, I'll be right back," she said and bustled out the door, grabbing a pistol on her way out.

"I'll come with you," Christine said while following her.

They caught sight Erik dragging Sweeney down from the barricade. "What happened!" Mrs. Lovett demanded as she fired at the enemy who was climbing over the barricade.

"Scruffy doesn't know how to duck." Gavroche said, aiming his own gun at a national guard but not firing.

"Who gave you a gun, Gavroche?" Marius asked angrily,

"I took one off the table, Tobi has one too," he replied dismissivelyand gestured to Tobi, who was standing by holding his gun uneasily.

"Those were backup guns! You can't use them!" Marius cried, snatching the guns away from them.

Mrs. Lovett and Erik dragged Sweeney's motionless but alive body into the wine shop.

"Joly! Fix Mr. Todd's head!" Mrs. Lovett commanded while opening the door for Erik.

"What happened to him?" The young hypochondriac asked, clearing a table for him.

"He took a musket to the head!"

"Is he dead? He's drenched in blood!" He covered his mouth with a pristine white hankie.

"The blood's not his," Erik said, carelessly laying him on the table,

"We just have to wait for him to wake up then, but I've got other patients. Mlle. Daae, will you keep an eye on him?"

Christine came over to the tableside and sat down while making another bandage.

"Should I come get you if he wakes up?"

"No, I'm busy, and he'll be fine," Joly answered, quickly attending to another person.

Mrs. Lovett was furious. "That's it! We're leaving, once he wakes up!"

"But, Ma'am, we can't leave, they really really need us!" Tobi begged. "And Gavroche said he'd introduce me to his _momes_!"

"I don't care! We'll take Gavroche with us if ya like, I could use another helper." ((I.G: Slave))

Sweeney began muttering something in his delusion. "There was a barber and his wife, and she was beautiful, a foolish barber and his wife, she was his reason and his life, and she was beautiful," he slurred quietly, not opening his eyes,

"He's wakin' up!" Mrs. Lovett crowded to him.

"And she was virtuous," he opened his eyes and focused in on Christine. "Lucy?

You're alive?" he asked, sitting up on his elbows.

"No, I'm not Lucy," Christine said slowly; Mrs. Lovett turned bright red.

"Joanna?" he asked blindly, cocking his head.

"No, I'm Christine, Monsieur. Remember?"

Erik crouched and looked into Sweeney's eyes. "Dammit Todd, your eyes are clouding over; you've got a concussion."

"Don't worry, dearie, he never could see very well," Mrs. Lovett lied to the soprano.

"I've had 20/20 vision my whole life, Anthony!" Sweeney snapped at Mrs. Lovett, who raised an eyebrow.

"But who is Lucy? And Joanna?" Christine asked, subconsciously twirling her hair in her fingers.

"Lucy is his late wife. He went to jail for 15 years, came back and she was dead, and Joanna is his daughter. She lives as a ward to a corrupt Judge back in London."

"I look like his dead wife? He went to prison for fifteen years!" Christine said, stepping away from the still muttering Sweeney; he stared blankly at the ceiling.

"Yes, dear, he didn't do anything wrong neither. Just listen to him for a minute."

"There was another man who saw that she was beautiful-" he continued his mumblings.

When he finished, Mrs. Lovett grabbed his arms. "C'mon Tobi, be a good boy and grab Mr. Todd's legs, we're leaving through the sewers," she said, sliding him off the table.

"Sweet Jesus! He's heavy!" Tobi groaned, trying his best to lift Sweeney.

"You wouldn't think he'd be, he never eats!" Mrs. Lovett grunted (while) struggling with his upper body.


	9. In which blondes fly

Christine looked up at Erik fearfully

Christine looked up at Erik fearfully. "Maybe we should go with them, my fingers are calloused and as you said, I don't know a thing about fighting!" she said while tugging at his sleeve.

There was a loud boom outside as debris went flying. Erik shielded her as a window broke and Enjolras went flying backwards through it.

Enjolras quickly got to his feet. "Everyone out! They've brought in a cannon, we need all the able men out to fight!" He took notice of Sweeney and his being dragged away and asked, "What happened to him?"

Mrs. Lovett wheeled on him, dropping Sweeney in the process and leaving him to Tobi.

"I'll tell you what happened! Your damned barricade, that's what!" she said, fiercely slapping him across the face.

"Madame I-"

She slapped him again. "Don't give me excuses! This is your fault!" She slapped him a third time.

"Stop slapping me"

"Never!" She made a move to slap him again, but he ducked. "We can't just stand here! We'll die here!"

"Oh no, no one else is going to die, not here at least!" Mrs. Lovett threatened.

Enjolras backed up away from her. "What are you saying?"

"I'm gonna kill you when this is over!" Mrs. Lovett shrieked, slapping him again.

"Stop that! I'm not dying at your hands! I'm dying for my country!"

"You're going to die, because I kill you!"

"We're running out of time!"

Erik stepped up, "No, you have plenty of time, you see, while you and your little friends

assist the ladies into the sewers…"

"I'm not leaving! I'm staying and fighting!" Enjolras roared in his face.

"No, you're sacrificing your friends. If you ask them, 'Do you want to die? Or do you want to live to fight another day?' they'll answer the latter. You have plenty of time either way, they're advancing slowly; they think you can't escape!" Erik yelled right back at him.

By then the Amis had gathered in the wine shop for further orders and were listening intently. Erik turned to the crowd, "How many of you, by show of hands, want to die today at the hands of your leader?"

"What!?" Enjolras shouted in surprise.

"You're killing them!" Mrs. Lovett fumed. No one raised his or her hands.

"How many of you want to live to fight another day?"

All hands shot up.

Combeferre stepped out of the crowd. "He's right, Enjolras. We can't win this, we'd better leave to live and fight another day."

His blonde friend sighed, defeated. "You're right. Everyone into the sewers, quickly! Able bodies help the wounded! Hurry, dammit we're on a time limit!" he yelled, ushering everyone around the corner into the grate that Sweeney and Erik had previously gone through. The remaining women went first while the men held off the guardsmen over the barricade before leaping in themselves. Enjolras was the last one to hop in and grabbed a lantern on the way down


	10. Epic Win

"So what are we going to do when we are away from the barricade

"So what are we going to do when we are away from the barricade? Enjolras' face isn't exactly an easy one to forget," Joly asked Erik in fright.

"Mine isn't so easy to forget either, boy, and your answer is you're all going to hop onto the next ferry to England, London to be exact, with Scruffy and Red," Mrs. Lovett huffed and lifted her skirt out of the muck. "Ugh, this is disgusting! But it's better then being up there," she (added), jerking her thumb skywards.

"Madame? What are we going to do in London?" Gavroche asked curiously

Mrs. Lovett smiled brightly, "You're going to be my helpers ((I.G: Slaves.))!"

As they passed under the grate that was melted shut everyone hushed.

"Oy! They all disappeared! There's no sign of them anywhere!" a voice from above them said angrily.

"Noooo! We're dealing with ghosts! We've royally pissed off God!" one of them cried,

"No you idiot! They've gotten away somehow!" the one who seemed to be the chief said.

"But how? There's no way out!"

"The rooftops!"

"Of course! Come on men!"

Courfeyrac, standing knee deep in waste, looked up at the rooftops through the grate.

"Why didn't we think of that!?"

Enjolras, who was lighting his lantern, answered, "Because it was obvious."

When they were out of earshot of the soldiers, Sweeney popped back to reality, as is custom to concussion victims. ((E.G and I.G- We researched it –high five-)) "The hell is going on?!" He paused. "Put me down. I can walk fine." He struggled out of the grasp of Bossuet and Feuilly, stumbling a little bit and disgusted at what he was stepping in.

"Why...?"

"Barricade's been taken, Scruffy, and you got bonked on the noggin so they had to carry you for quite a bit." Sweeney nodded. "Ok then."

Mrs. Lovett walked next to him, "Need a shoulder, Love?" she asked. He swayed away from her and shook his head.

Enjolras, who lead the pack with a lantern, suddenly stopped, turned up his light, grabbed Combeferre's shoulder and pointed ahead. A slimy downward slope that lead into pitch-black darkness was right in front of them. "Follow my lead," Enjolras said loud enough for everyone to barely hear him. He took a cautious step onto the slope, falling instantly and sliding out of sight. The group watched as the lantern light grew fainter and fainter before disappearing completely.

Combeferre called after him, "Enjolras! Are you alright?" There was a pause. "Yeah I'm fine… it's really quite filthy down here."

The doctor gulped. "You heard the man." He took a less then cautious step and slid down, bumped into Enjolras, who had struggled to his feet, and knocked him over again.

Thus began an epic game of revolutionary bowling, which Gavroche and Tobi won; they had enjoyed shoving others down the hill and into the pile of revolutionaries until Sweeney glared venomously at them and snarled, "Touch me boys, and it'll be the last thing you do."

Tobi and Gavroche gulped. "Yes-sir!/ Right-o Mr. T!" they said in semi-unison.

He smirked slightly as he balanced his way to the bottom.

"After you, Mr. Ragg!" Gavroche said, bowing deeply to his new friend.

"No-no! After you M. Thenardier," he said while mirroring Gavroche's bowing. A bony hand landed on both of their shoulders.

"How 'bout you go at the same time!" Erik said playfully and shoved them down. Both cried out in surprise and then laughed as they barreled into everyone who had just stood up, knocking them over again.

"Again! Again!" they cried joyously.

"No!" everyone, covered in filth, chorused. Christine clung to Erik. "Erik, I've never seen you stumble or fall the entire time I've known you, let's not make this a first, alright?" she said, only half kidding. Erik chuckled softly. "No promises." He joked in return; she giggled as they reached the bottom.

Enjolras stood again, cringing as his clothes and hair stuck to him. "I'm sorry everyone, the light's out and--" he paused for a second to glance around the darkness--"I can't find it."

There were groans and mutterings of _merde _along with several colorful phrases.

Christine tapped Erik on the shoulder. "Can't you see in the dark?"

Erik shifty eyed which everyone could plainly see, for his eyes glowed. "No."

She lightly slapped him upside the head. "Yes you can! Go lead them!"

"Haven't I helped them enough!?" Erik said exasperatedly,

"Enjolras? Erik will help you, he sees in the dark," she answered for him as Erik groaned.

"Come to the front then, lead the way," The blonde's disembodied voice called. Erik groaned again, whilst making his way around to the front. "Oh goodie, I get to lead the way with Blondie Bright Eyes and Nerdy Numb Nuts." Enjolras and Combeferre would have looked at each other in mortification if they could see. Unfortunate for them, Erik had reached them and laughed outright at their blindness.

Gavroche chuckled from behind them.

"Told ya which one's which! Pay up, Tobsie!" he giggled.

"Fine. I'll pay ya when I find my pockets, Gavvie!" Tobi joked, both giggling at their unwanted nicknames. "I was sure it was Blondie!"

Enjolras face palmed; which was a mistake for it sent slime everywhere. "Enough with the bets! Let's just keep moving!" He made a concentrated effort to see where he was going when Erik plucked at his sleeve. "This way, Blondie Bright e-"

"Don't start!" Christine scolded. "It's ok, Enjolras, I'm blonde,** too, **ya know!" she added, poking Erik in the head with her sharp nails.

Erik suddenly had an idea. "Okay, I've got your sleeve, hold onto the person's sleeve that's next to you so we don't lose anyone." Enjolras grabbed onto Combeferre's sleeve, Combeferre grabbed Laigle's, and so on. After a few moments of peace and what seemed like a seamless plan, a loud and high pitched 'yipe!' emitted from nowhere.

"That is _**not**_ my sleeve, Courfeyrac!" Marius cried, taking hold of his friend's sleeve.

Courfeyrac laughed hysterically at this. "Sorry Marius," he said between bouts of laughter. Sweeney rolled his eyes as Mrs. Lovett grabbed his hand.

Erik turned and looked behind himself, seeing Gavroche and Tobi at the back of the line holding onto each other's sleeves. "Tobias, hold onto some _else's_ sleeve," he said impatiently.

Tobi nodded vigorously; knowing that Mrs. Lovett was near him he reached out in front of him. He felt something, all right, but it was furry and cold. He recoiled in disgust and reached to his left, opposite of Gavroche; in that direction he felt a leather belt and cold metal. "Mr. Todd?"

Sweeney offered his sleeve to the lad who promptly took it.

Christine, seeing as she could not be in front for Erik needed to lead, wandered to the back along the line and grabbed Gavroche's hand. Gavroche immediately started screaming in terror. "Something's got me! **Something's got me**! AHHHHH!!"

He started thrashing, knocking Tobi over, and inadvertently Sweeney went down and took down Mrs. Lovett, thus starting an epic game of revolutionary dominos. ((E.G & I.G: Second game comparison in a day! high five! –high five is too hard and both whine at each))


	11. Scary Barber

"Don't let go of your sleeves

"Don't let go of your sleeves!" Erik barked, grabbing Enjolras' arm roughly to keep himself from falling. There were groans and swears as the group stood up.

"Does everyone still have their sleeves?" Erik called. There were affirming calls and a few words that would be unacceptable to repeat. "Let's keep moving then," Erik said, tugging Enjolras along with him.

After walking for what could have been hours or mere seconds, a faint light appeared. Erik pointed. "You see the light?"

"No, your eyes are over worked," Enjolras said wearily.

"Hey, wait, I see it too." Christine said from the back. She let go of Gavroche's hand to move up the line next to Erik and noted that the sludge got shallower and shallower.

Tobi let go of Gavroche's sleeve and Gavroche jogged up to Christine and Erik as they made their way to the light.

Abruptly, a pair of hands grabbed Tobi roughly by the arms and yanked him back into the darkness. He screamed in surprise--although he had let go of Gavroche, he had held onto Sweeney's shirt--and as he was drawn back, he clung to the barber's arm, making Sweeney stumble backwards and Mrs. Lovett let go.

"The hell!?" Sweeney said as he reached back with his other hand and grabbed Tobi's wrist before it was pulled out of his reach. Tobi continued his screaming until a dirty hand clamped over his mouth.

"Gimme the money or I'll kill him!" an unfamiliar voice said. Mrs. Lovett fumed and looked ready to pounce. "You touch one hair on his head and I'll be all over your ass like flies on BULLSHIT!" she screamed, hoping the rest would hear.

"Enjolras? I lost Mrs. Lovett, and I can't find her!" Jehan's worried voice carried through the tunnels. Tobi's shrill screams along with Mrs. Lovett's threats resounded in the tunnel.

Erik let go of Enjolras' arm. "I'll be right back, please, you all just stay put,"

Enjolras said, slowly backing up before turning and darting down the tunnel; Gavroche was right behind him. "The fool, he can't see two inches in front of his face," Erik muttered, jabbing Enjolras' knife into the lock.

"Where's the money?!" the robber asked gruffly. Sweeney squinted and faintly saw the outline of the blade at Tobi's throat; he was slowly reaching for his own as Enjolras caught up to them.

"What the hell's going on here?" Enjolras bellowed.

Gavroche bumped into the back of his legs. "Tobi! Where are you buddy?"

"The money!" the strange burglar ordered, roughly shaking Tobi; the boy cried out.

"What money!?" Mrs. Lovett growled audibly. Enjolras made a face. "What's going

on?"

"He's holding Tobi hostage!" she cried angrily. Sweeney looked closer still; he could see the reflection of a knife and the silhouette of a scrawny, bearded man. he slipped unnoticed into the shadows and disappeared from sight.

Gavroche poked his head out from behind Enjolras' legs. "He's got Tobi? You son of a bitch!"

"Watch how you talk to me!" The man snapped, followed by Tobi's whimper.

"I know your voice," Gavroche said steadily.

"No you don't!"

"Yes I do, you're my old man! My crappy, shitty, worthless, smelly ol' father!!" he exclaimed.

"No I'm not!"

"And you've got my –beepin- friend captive!"

Thenardier took a step backwards. "That's not fair--you know who I am, but I don't know who you are," he said cruelly.

"You don't need to know who I am, ya great brute!" Mrs. Lovett screeched; suddenly she noticed that Sweeney was missing. Enjolras, seeing the glisten of a razor behind Thenardier, decided to keep him busy.

"Well, my name's not important either"--he paused and stuck his hands in his pockets-- "'cept that I'm the only son of a tremendously wealthy family that loves me very much and would pay greatly for my safety," he said dumbly, rocking back and fourth on his heels. The last part was a complete lie; his parents sent him letters every week detailing how much they didn't like him.

"Really? What's your name then?"

"Unimportant. Really." He said this in a higher voice as he leaned forward and turned his head to the left, exposing his right cheek with a stupid grin on his face.

There was a ruckus behind the bandit as Sweeney shoved Tobi, who went face first into Mrs. Lovett's skirts and sent the knife sinking into the sludge. "Alright!" Sweeney had one hand on Thenardier's forehead and the other held his razor to the throat. "How bout a shave?"

he rasped into the thief's ear.

"W-who are you?!"

"A barber, I cut throats for a living!" He heightened the extent of his threat with an evil laugh that would curl your hair and tie your shoes. Mrs. Lovett gaped and Tobi trembled while Gavroche stared on in awe. "Oh jeez," he shivered and grabbed onto Enjolras' leg for support; Enjolras straightened his posture and stared, wide eyed.

"Say, b-barber, c-c-can we split a d-deal or somethin'?"

Sweeney clicked his tongue. "I don't really think so. You see, bandit, the boy's mother

doesn't very well like have her son threatened, so maybe I just leave your twitching carcass to rot here in the sewers," he said in a low and graveled voice. He leaned forward and looked Thenardier in the face. "How does that sound to you?"

"These are desperate times, Monsieur! Desperate m-"

"Measures are called for." Sweeney finished for him in an ominous tone. Now Gavroche and Tobi were on the verge of wetting themselves.

"M-M-Monsieur T-T-T-T-Todd? I really think w-we should catch up with the others." Gavroche managed to stammer out.

Sweeney shoved Thenardier forward, sending him face down in the sewage. He said over his shoulder as he followed the group out, "Try anything else and I won't be so merciful."

Mrs. Lovett patted Enjolras on the shoulder. "Nice dumb blonde act, kiddo." Enjolras' cheeks turned pink and he looked up at Mr. Todd. "I'll never be able to look at you the same way, Todd. That was truly sinister."

Sweeney shrugged. "I do my best." He laughed again as Tobi and Gavroche clung to each other and screamed in horror


	12. The Singular attitude of a hair pin

Meanwhile

**Meanwhile**

Erik growled in frustration at he jiggled the knife in the lock, "Dammit all!!" he cried, "The kid's knife isn't working!" Combeferre turned to Christine, "Mlle. Daae? Do you have a hair pin?" Christine nodded, she reached up took it out, "I don't see why you need it. You don't have enough hair to pin back." She said dumbly. Combeferre turned red, "It's not for me." He tapped Erik on the shoulder, "This might help more then an overly sharpened knife." He handed it to him,

'Money-money-oney-ney-yy!' Echoed around the last two people, deepest in the tunnel, "What was that!?" Jehan asked, gulping. Joly handed him a paper bag, "Breathe Prouvaire, come on, deep breaths." He said, patting him on the back.

'A barber! I _cut_ throats for a living!' living-living-iving-ng, The echo reverberated and bounced off the walls, making Jehan breath faster when a demonic cackle surrounded them. The bag burst with the energy of Jehan's breathing, Joly was a little worried, "Calm down, its just Enjolras, a mother, a couple of gamins and the pale fellow that saved your life, remember?" he said, smiling reassuringly. At mentioning the bloody, scary, older and possibly demonic, barber, Jehan fainted.

"Aha!" Erik cried in triumph, pushing the squeaky door open, "We're missing people." He stated, Christine nodded, "Yeah, Enjolras and Gavroche went to the end of the line for some reason."

"He's not back yet?" he shrugged, "Ok, let's keep going then." Christine pouted, "No, what if something happened to them?"

"All the more reason to leave."

"Erik!" she scolded, but no sooner had she thought up her speech on abandonment had the wayward group emerged from the darkness behind them. "There they are! What happened!?"

"Some bandit tried to ransom off Tobi." Mrs. Lovett, who had a fierce look and an even fiercer grip on Tobi's shoulder. Joly, who was dragging Jehan's fainted body out the gate, "Why did you laugh then!? You nearly gave Jehan a heart attack, and a stroke, and high blood pressure!" he demanded, struggling to hold keep a good hold on the slimy poet. Tobi, Gavroche, Mrs. Lovett and Enjolras all shuddered, Sweeney shrugged, "To scare the piss out of him." He murmured huskily, following everyone out the gate, closing it behind him.

Half the barricade went their separate ways as the Amis, Gavroche, Erik, Tobi, Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett all sat down on the ground a few feet from the closed the gate.

"I may buy an actual house because of this _unpleasant _adventure of ours." Erik said gloomily occupying himself by trying to swipe the grime off his cloak; Christine glowed, "Really!"

"Quite possibly, my dear." He said, giving up on trying to clean himself up.

Any passer by would have thought them filthy beggars and would have dropped a coin in their laps, (only to have it chucked back at them by an indignant blonde.) but there was only one passer by and he never gave alms anyway.

"Who are all of you?" he demanded roughly from behind them, making start slightly, "What where you doing in the sewers?"


	13. The hair pin again

Mrs

Mrs. Lovett, thinking quickly, spluttered, "Sir! My two youngest! They were playing when they hopped into the sewers! They wanted to explore you see, as children do, and my husband" she laid a hand on Sweeney's shoulder and paused, "Benjamin, and I were worried sick when we couldn't find them! We went in after them then this young couple and her twin brother"--she pointed to Enjolras, Christine and Erik--"helped us look, we trudged through the sewers for hours until we found them, Sir!" She sobbed over-dramatically on Sweeney's shoulder.

"What's your name, Madame?" Javert demanded.

"Lucy!" she choked out. Sweeney patted a little harder then necessary. "It's ok, **darling**, they're _safe_ now."

Enjolras leaned back on his hands and took on a British accent. "Oh it's true sir! Me and me sis, we saw them fussing about their missing children, we couldn't not 'elp them!" Enjolras said, and in the most brotherly way he could muster, wrapping an arm around Christine's shoulders. "Ain't that right, sis?"

"It's true sir! Every word!" Christine added with a British accent as well.

"Who are the other seven?"

"My other sons! Sextuplets they were!" Mrs. Lovett pointed to them as she named them off. "Peter, Jacob, John, Luke, and Mathew, the two little ones are Thomas and Benny Jr.! We're very religious people." She added, crossing herself.

"Uh-huh," Javert said, not looking convinced. "If you're British, why are you in France? Especially at a time like this."

Mrs. Lovett spoke up again. "My family got on the wrong ship!"

"Why are you three here?"

"I'm on my honey moon," Christine said, snuggling up to Erik.

"And you brought your… brother?" Javert asked, still unconvinced.

"Well you see sir…" She glanced at Enjolras and leaned forward, and whispered loudly. "'e likes to set things on fire, can't leave him alone, we can't," she said, loud enough for everyone to hear. Enjolras' jaw tightened.

"Is that true?" Javert snapped, facing Enjolras,

"Yes sir, **every**. **Word**," he said cracking a smile that was more of a grimace, removing his arm from Christine's shoulder. Javert raised his eyebrows. "You look familiar, have I arrested you before?"

"You did yell at me earlier for standing partially on some old brute's lawn, you did."

"I didn't… Wait a minute. What's your name, boy?" he said.

"Anthony!" Sweeney hissed.

"Me? I'm Anthony, sir. Anthony Adams, sir!"

Javert turned to Christine. "And you?"

"Alice, sir, Alice Adams . . . Todd," she said, glancing at Sweeney. He stared back

at her angrily for stealing his name.

"I'm Sweeney Todd, at your service, sir." Erik said, mimicking Sweeney's voice and accent.

Javert stole another glance over the group, pausing at Enjolras, "_I do know you!"_ he exclaimed taking a step towards the revolutionary.

"Sir, I said you yelled at-." Before Enjolras could finish Javert fished out a handkerchief and roughly wiped the filth off his face. "I knew it! You're the barricade leader!"

"No I'm not! I was never near a barricade! Let alone led one! But it would be great to see one on _fire_!" he said clenching his fists in fake excitement but truly it was annoyance.

"Oh give it up! You're the leader, the blonde one! Enjolras!"

"Lie, damn you! Lie!" Erik ventriloquist-ed into Enjolras' head,

"The Blonde one? There ain't no blonde men 'ere, only Mrs. _Todd_, sir!" Combeferre said.

Enjolras gave him a look that said, 'there isn't?' It was true; Enjolras' hair didn't look blonde anymore, seeing as it was covered in Parisian waste along with everyone else's.

"See, sir, I've brown hair, he's black hair, he's brown hair too, the lads are brunettes, she's got red 'air. He's black 'aired also, and him too, no blondes 'cept for the lady, Mrs. Todd," Combeferre said, pointing them off as he went. "I say, are color blind? You do look rather old, if you don't mind me sayin," he added.

"No I'm not." Javert growled, taking a threatening step forward. "I don't believe any of you. I don't think your British, or related or married or even brunettes!" he said, brandishing his nightstick. "You're going to jail if you don't tell me the truth."

Sweeney stood up, and with a rougher voice than usual, stared him in the eye--they were about the same height. "I'm not lying," he said honestly, crossing his arms.

"Of, course you aren't, now, since none of you are telling the truth, you're under arrest,

starting with you," Javert said, pointing his nightstick at Sweeney.

"I dare you to try!" Sweeney retorted, taking another razor in the other hand. Javert swung his nightstick, hit Sweeney in the temple, and sent him scrambling backwards. Sweeney then lunged forward, thus beginning an epic battle of British versus French, and as history has told us, Britain knocked France on its ass. This is what happened here.

Javert landed hard on his back, staring up at Sweeney's razor to his bruised cheekbones and dark eyes. "You sir, are beaten."

"I can't be beaten by a criminal!" Javert said, standing quickly and tackled Sweeney, knocking him flat against the entrance to the sewers, and handcuffing one wrist to the sewer gate. Sweeney shook his arm violently. "Hey!"

"Benny!" Mrs. Lovett cried, standing and going to Sweeney's side. "Here, love," she whispered, giving him one of her many hairpins. "You escaped from jail, this shouldn't be too hard," she added, pretending to try and break them off of him.

"And you boy!" Javert directed at Enjolras, "you led the barricades!"

"The jig's up, Blondie!" Erik cried, helping Christine to her feet. Enjolras heaved a heavy sigh. "Yes, I did lead the barricades, I am blonde and pale, I'm definitely not her brother let alone her twin, fire couldn't interest me less, and I love France. Any questions?"

Javert smirked. "Why didn't you save yourself a lot of grief and tell me this earlier?"

"Because the real M. Todd's behind you with your handcuffs."

Before Javert could utter a word, Sweeney cuffed his wrists together, and pushed him to the ground. "Good instincts, Constable, it was all lies," he said, putting his razors onto his belt.

Enjolras motioned for everyone to follow him and started running up the ridge onto the street before Marius' eyes went wide,

"Cosette! I need to tell Cosette!" He shouted, before turning on his heel and running, Courfeyrac raced after him calling, "Get back here! There's not time!" Combeferre raced

after Courfeyrac yelling, "Don't chase him! He's not worth it!"

"Why!?" Enjolras cried as he chased after Combeferre, and the rest of le Amis, much like a group of lemmings, began chasing after Enjolras


	14. Fantine Lovett? And goodbyes

Sweeney and Mrs

Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett looked at each other, "Can't we just leave them behind?" he asked, Mrs. Lovett shook her head viciously, "No! Tobi's gone with Gavroche!" she bolted down the street after them, leaving Erik, Christine alone with him. "Just go to the docks, and wait for the ferry!" she cried back to them over her shoulder.

"We outta go into hiding too, just for a little bit." Erik thought aloud, Christine nodded, "My career is over if word got out about this!" she worried, Sweeney groaned inwardly, being stuck on a ferry, with them, for god only knows how long, 'oh, -beepin- joy.' He thought as Erik led the way to the harbor. ((I.G: Yes, I know that there isn't a ferry in Paris that links to England but this is a parody and ya'll shouldn't take it so seriously! Why so serious?))(((Dark Knight no belonging to us.)))

Marius clung for dear life at the front gate of Cosette's house as the Amis yanked at his legs, trying to pry him off, "But she'll be so worried!"

Gavroche turned to Tobi; "I bet they're going to pull Curly Top's arms out of their thingies before he lets go."

"Nah, I think he's gonna wake everyone up before they have the chance." Tobi answered, sitting on the curb next to him. A big man with white hair came up to the gate.

"Who are all you people?! What are you doing on my gate!?" he demanded, at the sound of the man's voice, Marius let go and tumbled backwards on the Amis.

Marius stood in fear of Valjean, "Monsieur, I've come to see Cosette." He said, shuffling his feet awkwardly, "At this hour of the morning?"

"Um, yes Monsieur, I'm running from the police and need to say good bye before I leave the Country." Valjean looked about ready to pop a blood vessel, "What did you do!? HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN GOING ON!?"

"About a year, sir, and I'm a revolutionary!" Enjolras slapped him upside the head, "Don't tell him that!" the elderly man fumed

"But I'm a lawyer too!" Marius added quickly,

"Papa? Whose out there?" Cosette said, tying her robe tightly around her, Valjean quickly tried to block her view of the gate, "Someone is trying to sell us time share, nothing else."

Marius nearly cried out, he took a few steps back, "Hold very still, Enjolras." He said backing up further. "What? Why?" Marius ran forward and, taking advantage of Enjolras' height, pushed off his shoulders and disappeared over the tall garden gate. There was a 'whump' sound and a moan of pain and then a woman's fussing, "Marius! You're alive." she hugged him, "I heard there was a revolution, thanks for telling me you were joining." There was a loud smack. "I tried! But I've only come to say good bye, there's a cop after us and I've gotta skip the country, I'm going to England, with a fellow named Sweeney Todd, and his lady friend and her child." Cosette made a face but before Marius could explain, Mrs. Lovett came jogging up to the gate, shaking the bars of the rod iron-gate, "Marius! Boy! Get back here!" Marius glanced between the aggravated father and furious mother. "I don't know who I'm more scared of!" he whimpered pathetically, anxiously tugging at his cuffs.

Valjean looked at Mrs. Lovett, "You have a child and you're not married?"

"Wait, sir you've got it wrong, he's-"

"Oh, have some money! I'm not gonna let you die!" He said smiling as he held the X amount of francs note out to her. "Sir, he' not-"

"Do you have lodgings? Are you ok? (he suddenly looked horrified) you're not sick are you? Do you have a cough? Fever?" he rambled off symptoms as Combeferre turned to Joly, "He's worse then you are!" he said, good-naturedly, the doctor-to-be pouted.

"Consumption? Have you sold your teeth!?" He cried in alarm. Mrs. Lovett smiled, revealing all her teeth intact, "Oh thank God, it's not too late to help you and your son!" he said, fishing in his pockets for something, "I know have the address of a friend that would lodge you, but I can't-"

"SIR!!" Mrs. Lovett reached through the gate, grabbing Valjean by the collar, forcing him to look at her, "Now listen to me! I have a gentleman who looks after Tobi and I, Mr. Todd. Secondly, Tobi is not my biological child! Adopted him, I did, and third, thank you very much but I don't need your money!" She said gratefully handing him the money, "You're positively sure? No sore throat or burning fire ball in your chest?"

"Nothing but my heart in there, sir. And we really need to get back to London, so if you would kindly pitch the young man over the fence I'd be very much obliged." She said smiling sweetly.

"Noooo!! Papa I love him!"

"l-l-l-l-lo-lov-l-love him?" he stuttered stupidly.

"Cosette, dearest, I'm just going away for a couple of month or so. We spent our entire lives apart, we'll last a month or two. " Marius said, hugging her closely.

He stood without another word, climbed over the fence, remorsefully waved good-bye as she blew a kiss to him, Joly looked uncomfortable. He scuffled his feet uneasily, "Monsieur, do you have a pen?" Valjean dashed inside and came back with a quill. Joly nodded his thanks and pulled out a hankie and wrote something on it and put it in Valjean's hand through the gate, "Please, monsieur, will you go to this address and give it to the beautiful young lady who resides there, her name is Mlle. Musichetta? Please, Monsieur, she'll be worried." Valjean nodded, "Alright, do you other boys have lovers that will be worried for you?" the Amis told him the names and addresses of their loves while Enjolras stood scowling, Valjean swore to tell them of their departure and safety.


	15. Love talks, cleaning up, and cheap shots

"You've finally got yourself a beautiful mistress

"You've finally got yourself a beautiful mistress!" Courfeyrac praised Marius as they ran through the streets in the general direction of the docks.

"Mistress? She's gonna be my wife someday. I don't wanna mistress, I love her too much!" Marius defended. Enjolras scoffed, "Love? Irrelevant."

"Open your eyes, Enjolras! Love is the most beautiful thing in the world! And is clearly not irrelevant!" Jehan said sweetly, placing his hand over his own heart.

"Save it for one of your sonnets, Jehan, this is real life, and the reality is that love is a waste of time!" he snapped. Jehan sniffled tearfully. "Boys, stop that! Love is very important, Blondie, and you know it!" Mrs. Lovett scolded, turning the corner on the docks. "Actually, Madame, he doesn't know it." Combeferre said practically.

"What do you mean?"

"He doesn't realize the impact he has on women."

"I have an impact on women?" Enjolras asked, confused. Combeferre nodded, "Oh yes, woman would throw themselves at your feet, if only you noticed, you're _ungrateful_." Bousett's mind popped in remembrance as he reached the ferry that Sweeney, Erik and Christine were waiting by, "We forgot Grantaire!"

**Meanwhile**

Sweeney, Erik and Christine wandered back and fourth, from one end of the dock to the other. "What's taking them so long?" Sweeney asked restlessly sitting down on a crate.

"My-my, impatient are we, Barber?" Erik said sitting on the barrel next to him. Christine pinched the bridge of her nose, "Don't argue, I'm sick of bickering, especially between you two and Enjolras! Insulting each other is going to get you nowhere!" she said wearily, sitting on a post. They looked at her, "But there's so much to insult!" Erik defended, jokingly. "Like his hair!"

"Or your very lack of hair." Sweeney shot back, tiredly.

"Or your pale face."

"Or your crappy mask."

"Your lack of height."

"Or your urine colored eyes."

"That was below the belt, barber." Sweeney smiled smugly.

"Okay, stop it! What did I just tell you not to do?" Christine cried exasperatedly.

"You told us not to fight, we're only naming traits to make fun of later when you're not around." Erik said, shrugging.

"You two are being very childish!" Christine said rolling her eyes.

"This is what happens when two grown men suffer from sleep deprivation." Erik said, rubbing his eyes, now slightly self-conscious.

"You have no idea." Sweeney muttered, standing up and pacing again. "There's the ferry, those school boys better pick up the pace or we're leaving with out them." Erik said, staring off into the distance.

As if they could hear them, the Amis came jogging up to them, with a fussing Bousett, "But he's still in the wine shop!"

"So!? We can't go back for him, besides, he's probably still asleep! He's been asleep the whole time, and for God's sake, Leagles, stop looking at me like that!" Enjolras cried, taking hold of his shoulders, "We can't go back, even if we wanted to, the police have, for sure, surrounded it, and the ferry's here."

The captain, a hardened old man of sixty, walked onto the dock and looked down the line of Amis, killers, and ladies, "Ya'll are filthy! You can't board my ferry like that! I just swabbed the deck! Wash up first, I'll wait for ye. Be thankful no one else is ahead of you." he said in an Irish brogue.

"How do expect us to do that!?" Enjolras demanded, Erik smirked under his mask; wordlessly he grabbed him by the back of the collar and threw him off the dock into the sea.

"Hey—!" SPLASH! The Amis looked down at their leader who disappeared into the water. "Cold!" he shouted as he resurfaced, "What'd ya do that for?"

"You're clean now, aren't you?" He said tonelessly, pushing Sweeney in after him.

"You son of a—!" he nearly swore as he plummeted into the water.

"Watch where you're throwing people!" Enjolras called, hastily climbing back onto the dock, followed by the barber who looked like a drowned skunk. ((I.G: Haha, cheap shot at Johnny Todd.)) Courfeyrac laughed at the sight of both of them.

Tobi and Gavroche glance at each other before going behind Erik and shoving him in. They looked at the other, smiled cunningly before trying to wrestle the other into the water. Mrs. Lovett turned to the younger woman, "Hate to admit it, but Skinny's right." she said, trying to scrape some of the filth off of her skirts, giving up, she jumped off the dock. "Oh god it is cold!" she said, leaping right back out of the water.

"No really? Hadn't noticed." Enjolras said sarcastically, wringing out his, once again, blonde hair. The Amis leapt in one all at once, shivering with cold as they climbed onto the ferry.

"Are you happy now, captain?" Combeferre said, cleaning off his glasses.

"Not really, you're getting the deck all wet."

"It was one or the other, geezer." Courfeyrac muttered to no one in particular. Lucky for him, the captain didn't hear him.


	16. Mrs Lovett, you're a bloody wonder

Sweeney leaned over the parapet ((I

Sweeney leaned over the parapet ((I.G Someone give me a better word, please!)) and watched the sun rise as Mrs. Lovett came up to him. "Ooh, Mr. Todd, -peck- I'm so happy –peck- I could –peck- eat you up I really _could_!" Sweeney flinched, "You wouldn't _really_, would you?" he asked fearfully, wiping the lipstick off his cheek with his damp shirtsleeve.

"Ah, Love. No need to get all a fuss. Be happy! We're going home to London, with (she did a head count) nine young lads, the masked gentleman, and his charming lady friend! (She squealed in realization) I have another son! You know, I've always dreamed of being a mum and having a big family one day, now I've got two sons!" she stopped her speech to gaze happily to where Tobi and Gavroche were playing tag, slipping on the wet floor into the legs of idling Amis members.

"To be exact I guess I should say I have eleven sons and a daughter. So crack a smile, would ya!" she nudged him in the gut.

"They're not going to live with us, are they?" Sweeney asked unhappily, leaning on his elbows.

"We don't really have enough room for _eleven nice young lads, a masked gentleman, and his charming lady friend_ need I remind you? They can find their own place to stay." he added.

"Where else would they go!? Some flea bitten diseased inn, No! I know there's not enough room downstairs in me parlor, but in your shop you could fit a maybe six cots if they were side by side. Or something of that sort."

Sweeney was reaching desperation, "What will the neighbors think of you when they see seven college students coming and going out of your shop? You might come across indecent."

"Well they really couldn't think less of me since that disagreeable incident with the grocer, but I won't get into that. Besides that, it'd be terrible manners to pitch the lads out on the streets! Especially in an unfamiliar country! And I owe Blondie for kickin his arse." Sweeney opened his mouth to retort but she clapped a hand over it, "No 'buts', they're staying with us til this blows over."

"Wupid dis danot 'bwows ober'? Wubid wurr stung reff dem?" he persisted stubbornly, (What if it doesn't 'blow over'? What if we're stuck with them?)

"Dearie, I don't know what you said but it doesn't matter, they're staying with us, and that's the end of it!" she said, toddling away leaving a very aggravated barber in her wake.


	17. Beginning of the End

The Amis one by one began to nod off, except for Enjolras who kept close watch over his friends and a sharp eye on Sweeney and

The Amis one by one began to nod off, except for Enjolras who kept close watch over his friends and a sharp eye on Sweeney and Erik.

"You're acting like we're going to kill you in your sleep." Erik commented dully, tying a new noose with rope that he had found lying around, once finished he tucked it safely in his cloak.

"You tried to when I was awake. I don't see what's stopping you now." He said, wearily.

"You seem to have grown on Mrs. Lovett." Sweeney said as he thoughtlessly cleaned his razors. "She'd kill me if I killed you." He added, quietly, he looked up at him, "You don't know anyone in London, do you?"

"Not a soul."

"-beep-"

Enjolras cocked an eyebrow, "Why?" Sweeney sighed somberly,

"Mrs. Lovett wants all of you to stay with us in our shops until this 'blows over'." He said insipidly, clicking a razor shut and opening another one to polish.

"That's generous of her . . .. but I think we'll manage finding our own lodgings."

"Tried telling her that, she didn't listen to me. Ask her your self though, she's still awake." He said, jerking his thumb in the direction of which Christine and Mrs. Lovett were chatting cheerfully about what women love most, men.

"Oh, Mr. Todd is so stubborn! But he's such a dear." Mrs. Lovett said, twisting a lock of hair in her fingers, Christine nodded earnestly, "I know what you mean. Erik can be so infuriating and he has quite a temper, but he loves me with a deep and unending love." She sighed dreamily. Mrs. Lovett tapped her chin, "He's a bit old for you, ain't he, love?"

"I dunno, he doesn't exactly know his own age." Enjolras snorted, "You don't know how old you are?"

"Not really. How old are _you_? Fifteen? Sixteen?" He said, ruffling his hair.

"Twenty two." he said agitatedly batting his hand away.

"Well M. Todd has to be over sixty! Isn't that a little old?" Christine asked innocently, Erik and Enjolras snickered, "Where's your cane, barber?" Erik sniggered. "I'm not that old! I've got at least a good decade left." Sweeney said quietly, ceasing his polishing.

"Oh, dearie, he may look old (Sweeney scowled) but he really isn't. I don't think…? Well either way." She said dismissively waving her hand. "Enough about the lads, I've had this question buzzing in my head and I've been meaning to ask you… how do you get your hair to curl so perfectly?"

Sweeney turned to Enjolras who yawned, "Best ask now, it's been a while since Mrs. Lovett had another woman to talk to, she'll talk for hours about hair and dresses if you don't stop her now." He advised sitting down tiredly.

Enjolras rose and steadily made his way over to where the ladies were sitting, "Excuse me, Madame Lovett, but may I have a word with you?" he asked politely, figuring he should try and be on her good side.

"Oh just a minute dearie, so that's the secret then?" Christine nodded happily, "Just don't tell no one, it's a Swedish secret!" she giggled, Mrs. Lovett nodded thoughtfully. "Alright, lad, whatcha need?"

"My friends and I are capable of finding our own lodgings, I mean, we don't wanna be any trouble."

"No trouble at all! I need helpers ((I.G: Slaves)) and you all fit the application!"

"But—"

"No buts, besides, you're all me and Mr. Todd's responsibility! We can't just release you onto the unsuspecting people of London! God only knows what havoc you'd wreak."

"But—."

"I said no buts! Now, Christine, what were you saying?"

Enjolras walked back in defeat. "No use. It looks like we're staying with you, M. Todd." Sweeney looked up at him, "All of you then?" he nodded, the barber groaned.

"Now, you all need to sleep!" Christine said worriedly, bustling over to the trio, now that she actually realized that they were all still awake. "Erik, you haven't slept in days, M. Todd, you look like you haven't slept in years, and M. Enjolras, and you…. just look tired. SLEEP!" she said, pushing Erik's back flat against the floor. "No." he replied sitting back up.

"I said, 'SLEEP!'" she commanded as loud as she could without waking everyone. Erik stared up at her stubbornly, "I don't need to sleep, I'm not that tired, Christine." The soprano huffed and put her hands on her hips, "Erik, you're going to sleep if I have to beat you unconscious with an oar!" she said irritably, taking an oar out of the life boat to emphasize her threat. Sweeney and Enjolras looked at each other, then at the episode playing out before them.

"C'mon, loves, you need sleep! You probably won't be able to sleep well until you adjust to sleepin on blankets and such. Now quit arguing, you'll wake everyone!" she said, holding her finger to her lips

"But-." Enjolras started.

"What did I say about 'buts', Enjolras!?" She commanded, poking him in the chest.

"You called me Enjolras! Not Blondie, Blondie-Bright-Eyes, Blondo, or any other blonde jokes!" he said in bleary-eyed surprise, he yawned.

"Dearie, Blondo, Blondie, and Bright Eyes are hate names, I don't hate you anymore, you've proven yourself to be an okay person, I hope you forgive me for beatin you senseless." Enjolras blinked slowly, "S'okay, that's good to know." He was having trouble keeping his eyes open at this point, Erik smirked, "Aw, look at our little revolutionary leader, noddin off." He joked lightly elbowing Sweeney. Sweeney smirked also, Enjolras was slightly more alert, "Shuddup." He said, sitting down, back against a crate. "Are you two going to stare at me all night?" he asked, leaning against the wooden box, crossing his arms and stretching his legs. "Maybe." Erik said, screwing with his tired brain and staring at him harder.

"Why…?"

"Cause you're pretty." He said, ruffling his hair again. Enjolras feebly whacked his hand away. "No I'm not, you've been talking to the wine-cask, haven't you?" Sweeney who had been sitting opposite of him, leaning against another small wooden box, spoke up, "Yes, actually, Grand R. He's got a severe case of 'hero worship' for ya." He said, leaning back wearily.

"Tell me something I don't know, he follows me like a lost dog." He muttered, leaning his head back against the crate, nearly asleep. Erik glanced between the two, "N'aw, can't stay up past dawn, eh?"

"Nooo." Both men mumbled quietly before dozing off.

Erik frowned, now what? He took a moment to study both of them now that they couldn't stare back and that people showed their true colors when they sleep. The barber may have been handsome at one point in his life, but hardship had turned him bleak, he had his nice cheekbones, but frightening deep pits for eyes, deathly pale skin, and wild hair. The revolutionary was beautiful no doubt, a picture of youth. Erik stared at him rather intently, suddenly in stalker mode. He smiled mischievously and was about to play a prank when a voice behind him said,

"Don't even think about it, Erik." He turned to look, only to have an oar smash into his forehead, knocking him out cold.

Christine leaned against the oar and sighed, "See, Nellie? It was absolutely necessary to knock him out; he was going to mess with their heads as they slept. I know this, just trust me."

"He was looking at the lad quite closely, wonder why."

"He has a thing against pretty, young men. (she looked struck with something) Oh no! I forgot to tell Raoul where I was going!" she grimaced, "Oh well, he's too forward for me." She said, shrugging. Mrs. Lovett looked at her, "Raoul?"

"Oh, sorry, he and I were childhood sweethearts in Sweden, his family was on vacation and my scarf went into the ocean and he dove in after it, but weird if you ask me, but we became friends. We came back in contact a few months ago at the gala." She smiled brightly, "It was such a triumph, Erik was so proud." She said endearingly, patting his ((E.G: bleeding)) head.

So, the revolutionaries, the baker, the barber, the phantom, the soprano, and the children where all on their way to a bright ((E.G: dim)) city, what will happen!? Find out in the sequel "**The Further Mishaps of the Musicals**"


	18. Answers and Fist Fights

E E.G and I.G: -fight tooth and nail on who gets to write the epilogue-

I.G: -arises victorious- YEAH BOI!

E.G: -is bleeding to death in a corner-

Epilogue

You see, my friends, Valjean did not save Javert because Valjean was not there because he did not see Cosette's blotter because Cosette wrote no letter because… Shit, haven't I explained enough!? Gavroche was in the backroom so he didn't even see Javert and Javert, failing at figuring out where they all went because he had hopped back over the barricade when Jehan was taken, because I want him to live, that's my gift to you, Brambles –glomp- So he did go after Thenardier, for lack of anything better for him to do. Valjean will not die so early cause Marius will be hiding in London for a few months, that's the gift to myself and the rest of the saintly protagonist fans, -waves hello- all of you may be wondering where the hell Bahorel went…. What do you mean you didn't notice he was missing!? Some mizzies you are! Anywho, for those of you who actually **paid attention **know that I, I.G, have killed Bahorel. Yeah, yeah scream at me all you want, I won't hear you. Well I had to kill him! You see, someone had to die in the first attack! I can't save everyone I'm not **GOD**!

As I've said, I've added independent variables to a dependent situation and caused absolute mayhem! If you made it this far, I salute you –salutes you- I hope you enjoyed.

Oh crap, E.G's coming at me, I guess that means there's a sequel! Yeah, yeah quit booing at me I'm only a co-author and-

E.G: -limps over and knocks I.G in the head and sit99iup-0up;.9.' uhjdfsahk;lfhdsa and steals keyboard-

E.G: (Pushes I.G's body off the key board and onto the floor and sits in computer chair) Ahem, Hi, I'm E.G I brought you Matchmaker, Matchmaker and the Les Mis Crack!Tastical and MY author's note is basically HER author's note, But just I want you (Who actually made it ths far in the Eppy, just know that I loves you very much) that the Sequel (if there is one) Will be one my page, so drop a review and-- SHIT! GET AWAY, I.G!! NOOOOOOO!!

I.G: -Slits E.G's throat with Les Misérables CD that was lying around- oh, the irony!

E.G: et…. too…. Les Mis? –expires-

I.G: Just tell us whether or not to write the sequel, eh? Well, maybe just me, seeing as E.G's not moving anymore. Til then my friends, –tips beret-

NOTE! No authors were harmed in the making of this epilogue.

THE ACUTAL END 


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